Disclaimer:
I have not yet formed an opinion on this ‘theory’, but I do find it interesting and I’m finding both pros and cons. This information is not intended in any way to prove a right or wrong way of doing things, or to change anyone’s mind about their own beliefs.
I read through the first 1/3 of the book last night and have some key points to write about and also comment on the comments left.
Rachel said ‘I do think that dating should be the way you find out more about someone & if you are ready to commit your life with them. I do think you should know someone fairly well before you marry them’. Well…of course. I’m not suggesting, and neither is the book, that you jump out and marry the first person that comes along. Mr P used the example this morning of something a pastor told him some time ago (before they got married), that if he (the pastor) literally pointed out ‘you and you, get married, you and you get married, you and you get married’, just randomly selecting people from the room, if BOTH of those people had a relationship with God and wanted to live a Godly life, that the marriage would be blessed and highly successful. I can tell you from personal experience that you can NEVER know someone 100%, and you may think you know them only to find out a few years later that they misrepresented themselves. This is where trusting God comes into play.
Jenn said ‘I have serious issues with the whole “courting” thing. It is outdated. 100 years ago my son would be looking to court someone..’ and ‘100 years ago our great grandmothers were also stuck in loveless marriages that felt the couldn’t leave because of their beleifs, or their economic standing. I think that as educated, independant women we have every right to date who we want, when we want and make DAMN sure we are willing to make compromises with the person we choose.’
The book wasn’t suggesting that we take away any rights, have a marriage of convenience or an arranged marriage in which we lose our rights, it is simply about dating with the intention of marrying that person, that we should know soon after meeting someone if they are someone we would consider marrying, until that point, we should only be friends with them, and if we decide to date them, it should be with the intention of marrying them. It also wasn’t suggesting courtship at age 12 or 13 as in the older days, only that we do hold off on courtship until we are feel we are ready to be married and then court with the intention of being married, not simply for companionship.
It also doesn’t suggest that we have a lack of choices, as WAS often the case in pioneer or biblical days, it doesn’t say we should pair up with the most logical choice and call it good. You would still choose your mate based on all the same criteria, although it suggests that considering things such as compatibility, attraction and other modern day criteria, may be unnecessary.
I’ll quote some portions of the book here in a little bit, that I found of interest (and most were already underlined by Mrs. P), but mainly what I took away from what I read last night is that #1. We should date with marriage in mind and take no more time than is necessary. #2. Purity refers to more than just sexual encounters, one of the first things mentioned is a scenario at the altar where it is discovered that the groom has given his heart to a number of women in his past and only has a portion left to give his wife. Also that our numerous physical encounters with those we date (whether it results in sex or not) do harm us emotionally and take away from who we are. It even goes so far as to suggest that for some people, kissing may be going too far. #3. We should never give our heart away to someone whom we aren’t committed to marriage with. I have to say, there seems to be something to this one….how many of us, most likely ALL of us, have professed love for or have simply felt feelings for someone we’ve only dated a few times and we’ve basically handed out our hearts on a silver platter to someone whose intentions are not clear. How much simpler would life have been if we’d reserved those parts of us for that one person who shared that committment with us? There would be many fewer broken hearts and shattered souls, that is for sure. I think we all want to be loved so much that we too quickly hand over our hearts, to be used and abused as the other person sees fit. This doesn’t leave us “pure” for the one that we’ll meet someday who will cherish and protect our hearts. #4. What if this modern version of dating ISN’T working so well? What if the old way, with a new twist works better?
The book uses the example of mountain climbing, and finding out thousands of feet off the ground that the other person is suddenly tired of the climb and leaves you hanging there with no way down.
I don’t know about you, but I have never dated with marriage in mind. I think most of us feel that some day, when things feel right, that we do want that “happily ever after’ with someone special. I’ve already jumped without looking twice and I’m not in a rush to do so again. That being said, I do feel that I’ve dated for companionship, out of lonliness, out of social pressure (something must be wrong with you if you aren’t in a relationship of some sort) and other reasons like that, assuming that one day everything would fall together, resulting in marriage.
So how does the book suggest one can make things work under these circumstances? #1. You must be committed to God. He must come first. #2. If you don’t feel you are ready to be married, don’t date. Period. If you aren’t ready to commit to sharing your life with another person, then you should not date, you should fill your time with other pursuits such as college, family, friends, work for the Lord.
I’ll go ahead and publish, and when I get a moment tonight, I’ll add in those quotes/points from the book that I mentioned.
P.S. Mrs P has asked for a link to the blog, so you just might get to see her chime in somewhere in this! Mrs P: Please excuse the periodic use of foul language/inappropriate subject matter in this blog 
.
Ok, here we go, from the book…
One of the first things that struck me…from Page 23, the author writes “…I have no business asking for a girl’s heart and affections if I’m not ready to back up my request with a lifelong committment. Until I can do that, I’d only be using that woman to meet MY short term needs, not seeking to bless HER for the long term. “
Page 33. Dating leads to intimacy, but not necessarily to committment.
Followed by, Page 34. “Intimacy without committment, like icing without cake, can be sweet but ends up making us sick.” “Intimacy without commitment is defrauding. intimacy without friendship is superficial. A relationship based only on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last. “
Page 35. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for Love. “Just because lips have met doesn’t mean hearts have joined, a physical relationship doesn’t equal love”.
Page 41. Dating creates an artifical environment ffor evaluating another person’s character. People who sincerely want to find out if someone is potential marriage material need to understand that typical dating actually hinders that process. Dating creakts an artificial environment for two people to interact. As a result, each person can easily convey an equally artficial image.
Page 59, and one of my personal favorites: “We’ve been playing in the sandbox-God wants to take us to the beach.”
Page 62: I Love Me. First, we must understand that all of the world’s deceptions flow from the belief that love is primarily for the comfort and fulfillment of self. Next, we’re told that love is primarily a feeling. At first glance, this seems innocent enough-we often feel love, and this isn’t necessarily wrong. But when we make feelings the litmus test of love, we place OURSELVES at the center of importance. By themselves, our feelings don’t do others one bit of good. If a man “feels” love for the poor but never gives money to help them or never shows kindness to them, what are his feelings worth?By inflating the importance of feelings, we neglect the importance of putting love into action.
To help answer both comments from above, page 69: Does that mean we’re supposed to marry the first person we date? No. We need to carefully and cautiously consider marriage, remaining willing to back out of a relationship if God shows us we need to. There’s no wisdom in rushing into marriage simply because we’ve become romantically attached to someone. The wrong mind-set so prevalent today, however, is not related to choosing a spouse. Many of us have fallen prey to the idea that we can, and should, pursue romance for its own sake. In other words “I’ll become intimate with you because it feels good, not because I’m prayerfully considering marriage.”
Page 70. We must stop trying to fit God’s ideas into the lifestyles society has defined for us and allow His values and attitudes to redefine the way we live.
I think that’s most of it and I realize it is bits and pieces, I just wanted to add those statements as part of what has been on my mind as I journey through this book.
